Where is the hickey?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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