you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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