final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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