Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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