Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
