I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
