Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
