The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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