im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
