I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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