So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
