u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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