You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
