Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
