all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
