I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
