you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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