Soap is not a condiment
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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