420 ftw
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My liver just had a heart attack.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
