i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
