How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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