ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
