walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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