Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize