So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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