I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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