after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
