The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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