My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
