Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
