well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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