I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
