My Higher Power is John Stamos
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
