I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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