he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
