and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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