Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he shaved USA in his pubs
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
