I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
