I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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