dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
