then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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