I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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