I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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