she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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