I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
