were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
