Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
