i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
