I met the friendliest cop last night
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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