apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
