Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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