I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
