Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
