The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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