my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
