I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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