You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
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