i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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