my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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