Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
