FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
