I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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