Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
