Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
sex in a hospital.. check
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
