so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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