one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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