Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
