I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
