Your tits are I can't wait for
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
