I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
